As the coolest and most fashionable people in the 1UP/IGN offices*, Jeremy Parish and Tina Palacios are totally qualified** to commenting on the stylistic sensibilities of video game characters. Which looks work, and which should be sent back to the sewing machine? Our in-house style mavens take to the runway to offer their takes on the looks that dominate the video game industry. It’s not all just hoodies and jeans, but is it good? We weigh in.

* This may be a lie.
** Also a possible lie.

Dance Central Chick

[ Dance Central 2 | Harmonix/Microsoft | Rhythm | 2011 ] 

Jeremy: So let’s start with this Dance Central 2 chick. She’s all… dancin’. And centralized. And stuff. I dunno, what do you think, Tina?

Tina: So… her outfit seems pretty reasonable for being a dancer. Is that a hat?

Jeremy: I think it’s a headband. What do you think about a redhead wearing red? Isn’t that a fashion law being broken? The fashion police are gonna be all, “Sorry ma’am, you’ll need to come with us”?

Tina: I shouldn’t be laughing at that, but I am. At least they’re two different shades of red!

Jeremy: That’s true. They’re just accents, too. Her hair totally pops against the teal shirt. Dunno about the cutoff brown Dickies, though. It’s like she’s trying to be a funky Lara Croft. Or a factory worker… a sexy factory worker.

Tina: Then it worked! Ha, I always assumed the suspenders are necessary — you know, because the shorts are so damn short and could fall off with a… what’s a popular dance move?

Jeremy: A Double Immelman?

Tina: What.

Dance Central Dudes

[ Dance Central 2 | Harmonix/Microsoft | Rhythm | 2011 ] 

Tina: I’m offended.

Jeremy: Me too. White after Labor Day? For shame. I guess that’s not white, though. It’s more taupe. Eggshell. Mother-of-pearl?

Tina: No! I mean, how dare they get all sweaty in such nice outfits. That’s just gross. And the scarves? Is that the hipster sweatband?

Jeremy: That’s what it is here. Scarves are supposed to be used for good! You wear them to stay warm. That guy is wearing them to be a twit. That’s why he gets to be in front. He’s the alpha twit.

Tina: I always loved dancing to “Poison,” but watching him do it with an unreasonable amount of clothing makes me hate him. That, or I sweat easy.

Jeremy: I didn’t need to know that about you.

Jack

[ Mass Effect 2 | BioWare/EA | RPG | 2010 ] 

Jeremy: Well, if too much clothing offends you, you’ll love Mass Effect 2′s Jack, aka Subject Zero! Her outfit consists of… well, apparently just boob straps.

Tina: I hope she bought something nice with all the money she saved on clothes and haircuts. Those tattoos offend me. Why didn’t she make them more fun and tattoo on a tank top or something?

Jeremy: A tuxedo T-shirt. Oh my god. I just came up with the first ME3 DLC item! The thing that bugs me about Jack is the dynamics of her outfit. How does she get the straps to perfectly obscure her nipples in the heat of combat without shifting? Epoxy? Can they come off later? And don’t they chafe? I know ladies are pretty sensitive around those parts. Am I even allowed to talk about this with a coworker? Am I going to be hit with a sexual harassment suit now?.

Tina: Solution for us all — her nips were worn off by that leather. So you don’t see them because they’re gone.

Jeremy: Mass Effect’s future is the worst future.